‘Bottling plant’ for Helvellyn?

Outdoor headlines

01 April 2008 09:43

We’ve known for years that the Lake District can get your juices flowing, but a team of scientists reckons there’s a good reason why: Lakeland water is an aphrodisiac.

Specialists at the Central Science Laboratory in Penrith say the emotion-heightening properties of Lakeland water have been understood for years, but that firms have shied away from trying to market it because of the environmental damage of bottling it and – we love this bit – the possibility of “unpredictable” results.

Dr Stephen Kiddon, head of applied research at Penrith, told LFTO: “There’s a unique combination of factors which create this situation. The Lake District’s coastal location means it’s at a virtual crossroads between temperate gulf stream air and the supercooled air pressing down from the Arctic Circle.

“Add to that the unusual combinations of rock – graphite, bauxite, slate and limestone – and you have the perfect conditions for a mineral compound called fibin. It’s not a lot of use to anyone generally, except for its aphrodisiac - and in fact mildly hallucinogenic - qualities.

“It’s potent stuff. The Romans were big fans, but no-one has ever quite worked out how to make it safe so that the results are controllable. Clinical trials of refined fibin in the early Sixties ended up with a few dopey hamsters trying to mate with Lego.”

"High concentration"

He said studies had shown that Red Tarn, on Helvellyn, had the highest concentration of fibin of any stretch of water in Europe.

“We also canvassed walkers, and the number of people who told us they’d got their freak on while walking Helvellyn was staggering,” he said. “That mountain is the geophysical equivalent of Woodstock.”

Now, London-based drinks company Frisco reckons it has the technology to make fibin safe, and has accompanied Dr Kiddon on sampling trips.

Natural alternative

Spokesman Avia Gotichet said: “The bottled water market has been stagnating for a while now. New initiatives have generally been failures, like the Coca-Cola water.

“But imagine an adults-only bottled water product which was a perfectly natural alternative to either chemical aphrodisiacs such as Viagra or organic options like asparagus and oysters, which most people can’t stand. We think the fibin in Cumbria is the key to that, and we’ve developed sampling technology to harmonise its more extreme effects.”

He denied his firm was planning to build a major bottling plant at Red Tarn.

“If anything, it would be a small and unobtrusive pipeline leading to a pocket processing plant, possibly in Glenridding,” he said. “We certainly wouldn’t want to wind up anyone who loves the scenery.”

To find out more about the research, click here.