10 things new gear brings

26 June 2008 15:02

We know how you feel about outdoor kit, because we feel it too…

1 Gear shop embellishment
“Yeah, I‘m looking for a jacket for my second crack at Annapurna. Knackered my last one when they had to take the sleeve off in Islamabad to stitch up my arm. Bloody nuisance, really. Anyway, I obviously need all the trimmings: Gore-Tex XCR, hood big enough for a helmet, a fabric that can withstand scrapes on Himalayan crags, reinforcement over the shoulders, pockets big enough for maps and a satellite phone.
Oh – and I’ll be, um, walking the dog in it too, so nothing too expensive…say around the
50 quid mark…?”

2 That ‘New’ smell
Similar to that mealy yet oddly seductive scent of a showroom car’s interior, this odour is prevalent in gear shops, especially around the boot section. It’s not the fabric, nor that inherent smell of an unsoiled product. It’s really a pheromone, planted insidiously in shoeboxes and released on an unsuspecting shopper when the assistant goes to ‘fetch the other shoe’. It often triggers a vocal spasm in the browser which – to non-medical ears – sounds uncannily like the words: “Oh go on, I’ll take them.”

3 Impenetrable chats
 “A DWR dusting on the shell I find assists the function of the membrane…but I find pump-liner outers to be extremely effective at dispersing vapour through the top layer, providing the outside air temperature isn’t
too high.”
Yes, it may be a little geeky to discuss the finer points of gear technology, certainly in public. But notice someone eavesdropping after reeling off a sentence like that, and there’s an easy way to claw back respect: just jab a thumb to your chest, wink and say the word ‘astronaut’.

4 A reverence for fabric
“Wow! New jacket! Look how that fabric shimmers, the bright logo, the cutting-edge-only-sharper design…this isn’t going under the stairs. This is going in the wardrobe. This won’t get trashed like the rest of my gear. This is special…” Until next summer of course, when you need something to cover the back seat of the car when the dog’s wet.

5 A hatred of stainless steel
“Wow! New axe! Now, all I need is to make it look as old, scratched and knackered as possible – then it’ll be ready for the hills…”

6 Gaudy colours
Blimey – that top is just so you. No, it doesn’t go with your hair but that’s okay. No, I totally agree – blending in is like so last decade. Green is for soldiers and snakes. Bold is good. Orange is the new purple…

7 Questionable bedroom habits
I know, I’ll just try on my new trousers in front of the mirror. Hey, they feel great. Now I just need to see how my base layer feels with them on…ooh. That feels superb. And the jacket, and boots…let’s see how the system fits together. Now, did I check whether my helmet fits under this hood? Best make sure. On it goes. Now what if I just hold an ice axe above my hea…“Oh. Hello, dear. What am I doing? Well, I just…um…I bought…and I was
just...er...”

8 Need for recognition
It’s heartbreaking when you spend the equivalent of the GDP of Belize on a new waterproof and it doesn’t get fawned upon the very instant you nonchalantly step into other people’s company, isn’t it? And no amount of angling the logo, accentuating its capacious and unmangled hood or displaying its beady, freshly-rained-on finish will prevent this inevitable, frustrated blurt: “So – got this new jacket, then. Cost me £400.”  

9 A loss of perspective
Well, you would have gone for the £60 one, but it was a whole six grams heavier. So really, the extra 30 quid was a no-brainer. Right?

10 Pride
Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it can be agonising. Whichever way you cut it, buying sparkly new stuff whose last fibre is designed to keep the worst weather in the world out has something of an empowering effect on the owner. An effect that seems to say “Wear me, and the world can be yours.” And the funny thing is, if you do wear it, it can.